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confused

Who would have thought I'd go back to procrastinating? just kidding, I'm going back to writing or something like that. there has been a lot of things that had happened that I couldn't enumerate. the last thing i wrote was about kevin and i wouldn't mind revealing his name. we had it for a month but then he backed out. well that his decision and then i went back to being me.

right now i'm working somewhere north and believe me it ain't easy traveling from south to north. i have this colleague who's been courting me and everybody calls him a player. I've read some comments and I don't like what I'm hearing and seeing. i like him and in really do but it seems like i lost some confidence in him knowing all these things and probably he's just playing around with me too. we're team mates and we're just two or three stations away from each other. I see him everyday, talk to him everyday and probably knows all the details he's been doing at work. He's always texting even when I'm around and it bothers me cause he said he's serious but i dont think he is.

i need to figure this out again. here we go again.

it's all about you

It's been ten amazing days. ten days of fun and excitement. I tried not to expect anything more than what we have. it's enough for me to know he loves me and he cares for me. It may sound so lacking but it's what I know. anyways, Melvin is beginning to accept the reality. And I am slowly indulging myself into this crucial madness.

Would you still love me if I remove my lenses and replace it with glasses? would you still care if I have my voice back? would you still like me if there are a lot of guys out there who would bother to pay attention to me? would you still care if turn my back on you knowing you were everything to me as of this moment?

you're good and maybe the best. you always show everything through jokes and it made me laugh for quite sometime but at the end of the day I stop and think about the things that should be happening and shouldn't be happening. I love the way you hold my hand, the way you smile at me and especially the way you say "amping". It may be the least you can do but somehow it had reached the bottom of my heart. i ma hesitant that's why i cannot feel the sincerity but somehow I can feel those words you utter.

I will believe that you love me and I would care less about what others think. there was me and you but there was never us. i love you so much and it would break my heart to see you go. to suddenly stop this whole insanity. it would be the hardest thing to do. i want you and i need and i hope you'd feel the same way too.

missing you

I'm back and I miss blogging a lot. This years sucks not because something really bad happens but something really really bad. over. Where will i start? I started going back to school last November of 2009 and decided to transfer school near my place. At first it was kinda nerve-wracking to transfer since I only knew a few people. Then everything started out quite okay. Months passed and i was able to pass all my subjects. after which summer arrived. I have been battling over my graduation date and I was hoping I would graduate next year October. i wish. I had my summer class and it was a blast cause I had it planned with my friends and other classmates.

First semester, I had to break up with someone because of some reasons. He disliked it and actually deleted me in his facebook. hurt much? anyways, i thought he added me back but when I checked it again it was gone. backout? ahahaha lols.

I kinda miss my friends. I miss those days where I have nothing to worry about. Last night Nichole and I went to ayala, talked a lot and catch up on each other's lives. We went looking for shoes and found this really beautiful (buy one take one) shoes. I was hoping I could save money so that we can buy that one. And the ring that she lust all these times. ahaha. it was pretty nice though and i must admit that i kinda liked it too. I was able to bumped in to Ellen and Cherry back there and they have already a job and it was kinda frustrating cause we're supposed to be batchmates. They have graduated and I'm still at school working my ass out.

Feels good to be back. and im hoping this would be forever. hope much? that really doesn't matter now. all that matters are the things that I've experienced and that I was able to write it all here. I miss you journal. a lot.

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Writer's Block: Significant Change

Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone you were in a relationship with (or wanted to be in a relationship with)? Did it work?


I did. It didn't work but somehow it kept the relationship a little bit longer. LOL.

leaving

I just had the worst news ever. Im leaving and Im leaving for a long time. This could have been nice if I don't have anybody special. I don't want to leave. But everything's all set. I'm leaving this June and this makes me sad. I know it's not the end of the road and that I can start another life in THAT place (wherever that is) but the thing is I dont want to leave cause of you. You know who you are. I'm gonna miss the savio especially Nika. I'm gonna miss her birthday and everyone else's birthdays. I'm gonna miss my hunnie and all that poker nights and mafia days. Shoot, I'm gonna miss everyone. This is the most stupid thing in the world.

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Writer's Block: BFF

BFF
Who was your first friend on LiveJournal? Are they still on your Friends list?
NICHOLE. aka butete and she is still my friend here in LJ.

LOVE you NANG. ^^

so so

I never thought I'd be up and reading my archives in my journals. There are a lot of things that had happened and I can say that I really had the most intriguing life story. By the way last Sunday was my nephew's baptism and we had a lot of fun at the pool cause it was held there. I never mentioned anything about a new love or something cause I dont wanna jinx it. Every person in this world is already in my blog slash journal and there's only one person who's not included here and I am not gonna say anything about this person cause I dont want to. Simple as that.

Nichole asked me about this certain person and I did everything and told her every little details I have. I never wanted anything in this world, not a bit and Nica knows that. I'm tired of all the reprimands and those shits and I am tired of being the obedient daughter and doing something to improve myself. Have I not proven enough? Am I still not the perfect person for them? Although it's hard but I tried pleasing every person in this planet and now I'm done. I'm done giving smiles and taking care about every freaking problem.

All I can say is that I am happy and I am contented and I dont want this thing to be over. I finally want to start another chapter of my life. And maybe be happy again. Hopefully still be the person I am right now. I am getting a freaking life. :)

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think

There are a lot of things that's happening nowadays. A friend is asking for my help and I can't say no or yes either. I understand the situation but I can do nothing about it. I pity him. I don't know how to fix the situation. Anyways, I've been thinking about everything and I mean everything. I have so many things in mind right now. I am totally confused. I want this and I want that. Anyways, I cannot think straight. This is just a short post.

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just a thought

I never would have thought that there's a point in my life where I would stop and think for a while, I mean not just for a while but I need a lot of time to think and weigh my options. Everyone is growing up and making their own decision. I am stuck with these assumptions and false assurance. Honestly, I am still scared to go on my own. To be fully independent, now that I know how hard it is to find a job and be on your own. I'm really scared and now I'm given a chance to do it for the first time but in another country. I really don't know anything about their world or how they act. This is going to be tough. Wish me luck.

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the return of the come back

This time I am really not certain about my future. I'm the one to decide but my mind's mixed up. I haven't poured out any thoughts for the last two weeks and my shift and training is driving me insane. The past two weeks had been quite stressful. My sister delivered her baby on the 16th of April around 11pm. I went to accompany her in the hospital and my brother was also there. The baby was fine when I saw him but three days later we had to rush him to the hospital cause the baby's having UTI. I should've have known when the doctor told my sister that the possibility of having it is high. My mom went home and went straight directly to the hospital, well actually she lived in the hospital. The baby was admitted April 20 and up to now he is still confine in the hospital. poor baby boy.

Training was tough. We had to store and understand every information there is. Everybody and I mean everybody was being pressured about the new account. I had to learn to dismantle and assemble a PC. imagine to that? me assembling a PC. I dont even have a clue about those wires and we just had a week on hardware training since the last week was for networking training. But I did it, after like three trials I was able to assemble and boot up a PC, install the freaking operating system and partition it to two different drives. What a loser! This is driving me insane. All the information are beyond the limitations and capacity of my brain. hahaha

This morning was torture. I feel sad and I mean really sad but I dont know why. Do you know that feeling when your boyfriend (who means everything to you) broke up with you? but that didn't happen to me. I was just plainly sad without any reason. The day was gloomy. I wasn't able to hold it up so I went to sleep. King called around 5pm and he was furious cause he couldnt contact me. I used to know how I feel about him but now I really dont have a clue anymore. It's like I still like him but not really. really confusing.

i've been trying to boost my confidence cause I'm losing it so my cousin and I decided to enroll in a gym class for three months. we wanted to try before we eventually think of other things to do. She's planning to go to Japan (her aunt lives there) and work in a factory. She wanted to bring me along cause her goal is to go to Europe making Japan and Hongkong a stepping stone but she wants to drag me along. I wanted to go but half of me wanted to finish school and I know it's really important to finish school. I am confused. Anyways so much for that. I have only seven months to figure that out and decide for myself since my mom approved every decision I make.

So, til here. I'll be back for sure. ^^
good night and good morning. ^^

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